I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
