My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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