You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
