I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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