I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
