I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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