Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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