My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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