i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you will always have a special place in my vag
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your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
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Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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