He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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