I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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