good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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