I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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