When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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