i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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