GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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