my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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