but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
