I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
