Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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