brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
