The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Drunk is a universal language darling
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
