that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
