Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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