im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
