I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
