Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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