I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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