i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Is Oprah even human
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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