We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
