No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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