is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
