no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
