I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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