Kiss
Puke
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
