8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
