I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
