There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
