saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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