I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
