hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
