I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
