do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
