Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
