I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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