This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
