I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
