What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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