Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I wear drunk well.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
