I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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