I think my fart just growled at me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
