Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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