Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
