The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
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I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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