I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
