you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
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