420 ftw
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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