just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
